My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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