The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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