I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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