half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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