I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
