I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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