it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
