Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
