Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
