woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
