I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
