I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize