I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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