you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
