My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
