R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
40s are totally the cure
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize