no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
