last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
then he tried to convert me to islam
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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