I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
