You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
