I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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