I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
