my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
