I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am naked and annoyed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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