can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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