Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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