Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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