You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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