Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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