what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
