i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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