I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
