my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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