is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize