We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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