Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
