I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize