Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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