my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
