Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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