Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
