A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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