Im at strip club and am horny
I heard we made out
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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