Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
