My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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