Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
