it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
