i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
