I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
