You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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