I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
