Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
