My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
