my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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