Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
