i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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