dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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