No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
