maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
