do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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