is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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