New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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