idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
