please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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