We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
