So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
